A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor! I must see you urgently!"
"Not now," said the Doctor, "I'm very busy."
"But Doctor! I'm shrinking!"
"Well now, you'll just have to be a little patient!"
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Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila!
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How does an eskimo stop his
mouth from freezing up?
He grits his teeth!
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How
do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler!
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A man wakes up on a desert
island with no one about. He looks down and his legs, arms and
body are all purple.
'Oh no!' he says 'I've been marooned!'
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A
jockey's in a race and in the lead when someone throws a sandwich
at him and knocks him off his horse. He gets back on and is
almost catching up when a thermos flask hits him in the face and
knocks him off again. He gets on once more, catches up the others
and is just about to win the race when a three-pound chicken and
a jar of gherkins hit him and knock him off again.
The stewards decided he was seriously hampered.
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A boy goes into a pet shop
and says "I'd like to buy a wasp please." And the man
in the pet shop says "A wasp? We don't sell wasps!" And
the boy says "well, you've got one in the window."
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A
vampire bat comes home with blood all round his mouth. His fellow
vampires stare at him jealously and ask him where he got the
blood. He says, "You see that tree over there?"
"Yes," they reply. "Well, I didn't!"
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A man meets a farmer
carrying a pig with a wooden leg. He says to the farmer,
"why's that pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer says "This pig is special. Very special. He saved
my life once. Leapt off a cliff, swam five miles through stormy
seas, fought off a rabid attack dog and pulled me from a burning
building. Like a brother to me now, he is."
"Really! But why's he got a wooden leg?"
"A pig this special, you don't eat him all at once!"
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I
used to be someone who liked tractors, but I'm an extractor fan
now!
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A man with a banana stuck in
his ear and a carrot stuck up each nostril walks into the
doctor's office and says "Doctor, I haven't been well
lately." And the doctor says "Well, you're not eating
properly."
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In the insane asylum one
inmate shouts, "I'm Napoleon!"
Another one says, "How do you know?"
The first inmate replies, "Because God told me."
And the other one says, "No I didn't!"
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An Englishman, an Irishman
and a Scotsman walk into a bar, and the barman says: "Is
this your idea of a joke?"
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Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
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Johnny went up to his aunt
and said, "You're really ugly!" His mother hears and
pulls Johnny aside. "Don't be so rude!" she screams,
"Go back and apologise!" So Johnny goes back to his
aunt and says, "Auntie, I'm very sorry you're so ugly!"
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Two sheep are standing on a
Welsh hilltop. One turns to the other and says,
"Baaaaaah!" The other replies, "D'you know, I was
just going to say that!"
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A small man gets into a
fight with a very big man. "I'm going to mop the floor with
your face," shouts the big man.
The little man replies, "You'll be sorry!!"
"Oh, yeah? Why?"
"Well, you won't be able to do the corners very
well..."
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What do you call a blind
dinosaur?
A don't-think-'e-saurus!
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Three elderly men are at the
doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man,
"What is three times three?" "274," was his
reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!"
says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274
from Tuesday."
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A guy goes in to see a
psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make friends.
Do you think a brainless twerp like you could tell me why?"
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How much does an alligator
cost?
An arm and a leg.
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Mary wanted to be a nun, so on her eighteenth birthday she joined a nunnery.
"You must not talk until we give you permission," said the Mother Superior.
After five years, Sister Mary was called in to see the Mother Superior.
"You've been here five years now, you may say two words," said the Mother Superior.
Sister Mary thought for a while and said "Hard bed!"
"Well now, we'll get you a softer one."
After ten years, Sister Mary was called in again.
"You've been here ten years now, you may say another two words," said the Mother Superior.
Sister Mary thought for a while and said "Cold food!"
"Well now, we'll warm it up a little from now on."
After fiteen years, Sister Mary was called in again.
"You may say another two words," said the Mother Superior.
Sister Mary thought for a while and said "I'm leaving!"
"Good," said the Mother Superior. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
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A guy calls the hospital. He
says, "Send help! My wife's going into labour!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! It's her husband!"
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Two cows are standing in a
field and one says to the other "Aren't you worried about
that Mad Cow disease?" And the other one says "Why
should I be? I'm a teapot!"
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A
kid got stopped by the police for eating fireworks. But they let
him off. Another kid was drinking battery acid. They charged him.
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What
do you get if you chuck a piano down a mineshaft?
A Flat Minor.
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(One
for teachers only) Two men at a party and one says to the other
"So what do you do for a living?" "I'm a plastic
surgeon," says the other. "I tuck up features!"
"Thats a coincidence!" says the first man,
"because I'm an OFSTED inspector."
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